How to Meet Others
There is a lot of discussion about dominance and submission. This article is being written as a primer and not an authoritative, end-all encyclopedia.
This workbook section is subtitled, “How to Meet Others.”
Advertising and “Location, location, location”
Reviewing all reports on sexuality produced over the years (starting with the Kinsey Reports of the '50s), it is repeatedly reported that one in five American adults are interested in “kinky sex.” This suggests that if you know 15 people, three of them are interested in something other than “Vanilla Sex.” The main challenge now is to identify who the other two are and what their interests are. Or, to put it in mechanical shop terms, there are at least two other nuts, and your task is to determine if they are right-hand or left-hand thread, their internal size, and whether they are metric, Whitworth, American pipe, or SAE standard. It might also help to figure out if a washer will be needed.
Many years ago, at one of my workshops titled “How to Meet Others,” one attendee asked me what I thought about placing an ad in a local adult newspaper called "The Spectator." I asked him what kind of lady he was looking for, and he replied, “A nineteen or twenty-year-old female, submissive and athletic, someone I can train to be a perfect slave girl for me.” I responded, “You expect a nineteen-year-old virgin to walk into an adult bookstore, buy a copy of an adult newspaper, and after looking at all the ads, call you, move in with you, and live happily ever after. I think your reality check just bounced.” I suggested that he might have better luck if he joined a local health club or attended walk-a-thons to find someone athletic. By talking to her, he might be lucky enough to convince her to have dinner with him. After many such outings, he could earn her trust enough to invite her to spend a night with him.
Several years ago, when AIDS and other sexually transmitted diseases were less common, I used to joke that a person shouldn't have sex with someone unless you knew their Social Security number. A few weeks later, a professional dominatrix in San Francisco asked if her Social Security number could be printed on her business cards after hearing this. I told her she might have missed the point.
It is essential where you advertise, but it is more important that you advertise in a meaningful way. I remember several years ago when a group of friends and I ate dinner at a local restaurant. As part of my dinner order, I requested a cup of coffee. The waitress, a cute young woman with a cheerful voice, brought my coffee and placed it on the far side of the table with the handle pointed away from me. I pointed to the collar locked around the neck of the young woman sitting next to me and said, “I am glad that you did that and not L” (name being withheld to protect the innocent). When the waitress asked why, I responded that I was fatigued and did not feel like giving L. a spanking for poor service that evening. A few nights later, I stopped at the same restaurant and a different waitress was handling my table. About midway through dinner, my waitress went on a break and was replaced by the waitress from a few nights earlier. She approached my table, grabbed my coffee cup, and moved it to the far side of the table with the handle pointing away from me. She said nothing, smiled playfully over her shoulder, and walked away. A few minutes later, she returned and placed a small folded piece of paper on the table. When I reached for it, she stood there with a smile, her hands clasped behind her back, and only said, “Tonight?” Opening the note, I saw that she had written her address and phone number. I apologized and told her I already had plans for that evening but would be happy to meet her the following night at a local cocktail lounge. She agreed. I suggested she wear unique clothing, the kind that would allow me to quickly spank her. I won't go into details here, but I will say it was a very sexy outfit. She had anticipated my requests and had left her panties at home.
Every good hunter knows that you cannot bag a ten-point buck with a twenty-pound monofilament fishing line or buy shoes at Baskin Robbins. If you walk into Baskin Robbins and ask for a root beer float, the person behind the counter will do everything in their power (short of paying for it) to make sure you get that float. On the other hand, they do not sell shoes. If you ask where to buy a pair of high heels with six-inch heels made of red leather, the counter person probably won’t be able to help. If, by some miracle, the person behind the counter is wearing those shoes, you still likely won’t be able to buy them unless you're willing to pay a huge amount of money. Unless the counter person is willing to sell them, you will leave empty-handed. The lesson here is that before you go hunting, you should first decide what you’re hunting for. Once you make that decision, ask yourself where such “game” might be found and what kind of bait you’ll need.
These are very important thoughts about finding the right mate for you. Most people generally find work that they are comfortable doing. A submissive lady might find a job in the service industry, like waitressing or nursing, to be much more fulfilling than a job as a hotel manager. A dominant lady, on the other hand, would feel more comfortable in a job that allows her to take control. You should avoid generalizing. Do not assume that just because a person has a particular job, it indicates she is dominant or submissive. Never, never make assumptions. It’s possible her father owns the business or that her work is simply a part-time job.
Worth reading: [ Assumptions ]
Over the past 45 years, I have found that most women I have become involved with were introduced to me through a mutual friend. Any recommendations are based on what you share with your friends verbally and through your actions. Unless your friends know you're looking and understand what you seek, their introductions tend to fall short. If you spend your adult life hiding your interests, how can your friends know what you're after? You rely on your friends for introductions. When you bought your last car, was it based on an ad or a recommendation from someone you know? We go out of our way to ask friends for advice on buying appliances like refrigerators or lawnmowers, yet we hesitate to seek help when it comes to meeting a person we might spend our lives with. Oddly, we spend days and weeks researching the pros and cons of an appliance with a lifespan of less than ten years, while we might decide to get married based on first impressions.
Shortly after Susan and I met, she started working for me at BackDrop. She was at the front desk when a young man she had met before (even before she met me) walked into the club for an event. He was surprised to see her there and asked, “Why didn't you tell me you're interested in being submissive? We could have had lots of fun together!” She replied, “I'm the submissive, and you're dominant. You should have taken the lead.” I remember, even as a child, my father telling me that the work I did at home was mine alone. I would never have to worry about anyone breaking into our home and doing my work for me. I have found this to be true. People will look over your shoulder and, seeing that your desk is full of work, won't volunteer to do it for you. If you don't ask someone to help, they won't volunteer. At the same time, everyone will wait for you to get things moving. Unless you make the first move, nothing will get done. That lesson probably started me on my path to becoming a Master.
I cannot tell you how many times I hear someone say they met this person or that person has gone to dozens of parties and feel they have struck out repeatedly. When I ask if they found their last employer at the local golf course, the answer is, “Of course not. I would not dream of disturbing a potential employer anywhere except the place of work.” And yet, they will go to a party (with music playing at over a hundred dB) and expect to find a lifetime mate based on what she is wearing that evening. Somehow, the thought of asking her if she is wearing that “Michelle Pfeiffer catsuit” because she lost a bet with her girlfriends never seems to cross their minds. Perhaps she is not at the party to find a mate but to see what it would feel like to wear spiked heels on the street. She had tried it at home, but the heels kept sinking into the grass in her backyard. She could not think of a single place except this party where she would get away with it without being mistaken for a hooker by the police.
There are many ways to introduce the idea of dominant and submissive behavior. In nearly every movie and TV show today, someone, somehow, will engage in kinky games, get kidnapped, or be arrested. At this point, you playfully suggest that you could have acted as the Director and made the program more realistic. We both know that she will immediately ask you to prove your point. She has just opened a door big enough to drive a tandem trailer or an eighteen-wheeler through. It is your patriotic duty to uphold the dignity of all men and prove the point.
Let's examine the other side of the coin. Imagine you are a submissive male seeking a Mistress. I can't count how many times I've heard this sad story. In many ways, this is one of the simplest things to do. It requires some forethought and a bit of planning. On your first date, set an imaginary timer to alert you after fifteen days. During the first fourteen days, do everything you can to act like an English gentleman. Bring her flowers. Hold the door for her when she enters or exits any building or car. On the fifteenth day, intentionally “accidentally forget” to open the door for her. Immediately apologize and suggest that you need more training and that perhaps she might help you become more obedient.
There are many ways to let your partner know what interests you.
Unless your partner knows what they want, how can they understand what you're looking for?
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