How do I get my Partner involved?
How do I get my Partner involved?
I teach a class on "How to Meet Others" on a regular basis. (Click here for more information.)
You have attended that class and now you have the “Now I caught it, what do I do with it?" problem.
I have found a few methods that work, depending on the person and the situation.
- A few ideas
I think the trick is to be open and truthful, but not brutally so. If you approach people with an "I have a secret" attitude, you will probably scare off a potential partner. "Having a secret" indicates that you are not comfortable with what it is that you are doing. At the same time, building an underground, soundproof bunker with toys built from "Torquemada’s Fun Stuff Toy Catalog" probably will scare them off even faster. You can't convert anyone from vanilla to pistachio in one giant step, but you can add a little bit of chocolate or strawberry topping to almost any dish of ice cream.
You need to broach the subject of " your kink" in such a manner that shows them that what you do isn't that scary and that you can be trusted with their secrets and fantasies as well. I don't think that anyone will want to play with someone knowing that the entire town will know "what you did last night".
Regardless of your approach, you should have an exit strategy built into any plan.
- The "Book Store" Gambit
Several years ago, John Norman authored a series of science fiction books called the "Gorean Chronicles". Almost every one of these books has a wide range of bondage and Master/slave situations. Go to your local bookstore and put it on order, and just wait. When the store calls and says that your order has arrived, just wait. The next time you and your potential (victim) volunteer are out shopping, tell them that you want to go by a book store and pick up a special order. Take them with you when you go into the store to pick up that "special treasure" so they can see that the book you are buying comes from a vanilla bookstore and not some sleazy adult book store. Let them open the book and read you a couple of pages while you are driving away from the store. If they appear to be interested, let them borrow your treasure. If they throw the book out the window of your car while driving, you can exclaim that the bookstore clerk obviously got the wrong book.
I used to loan copies of the book to potential play partners. If the book came back with dog-eared pages, that says they read it in sections. No turned corners, they probably read it in one sitting. If it came back with all the pages staples together, that was another clue. If it didn't come back at all, well...
- The "Anyone can do better than that!" Gambit
Since the advent of television and the movies, Directors have always wanted a way to get a larger box office audience. Now, if you haven't been to a movie or seen a television show during the past thirty years, I'll give you a quick lesson. The best way to increase your draw is the "Three B’s": provide big bangs (special effects), boobs (inane comedy) or boobs. In case you didn't know it, sex sells almost anything! The Three "B’s" will outsell character growth or plot ten to one.
To put it in simplistic terms, almost every movie or television program has several people in it: the villain, the victim, and the hero. It is the job of the villain to coerce the victim into some impossible action or situation (a disgusting task like paying the rent) so that the hero can come to the rescue of the victim.
So here is the plan. You and your partner are watching a movie. When the villain is doing the best (or worst) to the victim, state in a very knowing voice, "Anyone could do a better job of (fill in this spot with spanking, bondage, torture, etc.) than THAT villain!" You have now set the trap for your volunteer. If they rise to the bait, spring the trap with “Let me show you how it SHOULD be done!" If they balk, abort with, "This is the stupidest movie I have ever seen!"
- The "Let's try something new" Gambit
I hear a lot of "partner gurus" suggest that you can get your partner more involved with the time-honored "We need to spice up our sexual relationship. Why don't we try (fill in the blank)" technique. I would be pretty careful with this technique and think it through long before attempting it. Suggesting to a long-term partner that there might be something wrong with your sexual relationship could find you spending time in the dog house, or even sleeping on the sofa.
- and then ...
When you first play, you might think about using their ribbons and scarves instead of handcuffs: it allows for the "let’s explore this together" while handcuffs show premeditation. If they are enjoying themselves, you win. If they are not, well, after all you are using THEIR scarves!
- but how do I get things moving as the submissive?
It would be quite easy to suggest a hot tub or a shower taken together. After a while, suggest that you should be doing this more often, but that they should tell you what they want you to do. Another idea is to "unintentionally" scratch them, apologize and suggest that you should be punished for your inattention.
- and finally.
People have been playing with various forms of BDSM forever.
With a little bit of planning (but NOT over-planning) you and your partner can have a lot of fun. Remember that everything you are about to do needs to be with their consent, or as I like to say "con-sensual".
Chat rooms • What links here • Copyright info • Contact information • Category:Root