Garden of Torture

This article is part of the SM-201 Macropedia

A Garden Of Torture - Contributed by Chuckg

A requisite note of obvious caution here. The sharp thorny things you find out in nature usually have all kinds of nasties, germs that is, living on their thorns, thus, it would be a good idea to apply some antiseptic to them before applying them to living flesh. Out in country, this could be easily accomplished by carrying along a spray bottle of rubbing alcohol, and in case you're worried, alcohol will not permanently harm most plants that are just lightly wetted with it. Also, a note about the irritating plants; some people are allergic to the following plants and the degree that this is a problem should be determined before a big exposure occurs. Poison ivy might be considered a good, irritant, but from my experience, it has a number of problems. First only about 2/3 of people are susceptible to it. Some people are violently allergic to it. On me, poison ivy takes several days to manifest itself, and takes weeks for the blisters to heal, so it is both not immediate enough and probably too severe in lasting effects and potential harm to be worth considering. Another aspect of allergies is that people can become sensitized to things that are introduced into their system in ways other than via their gastrointestinal tract, so the fact that someone is not allergic to something now, does not mean that they will not become so in the future. Very many plants have toxic properties, so always insure that you know what you have and if its safe to use in the manner you intend.

Following is a list of potential torture plants, notes on how I would or have used them and any ideas or tips I have in case you might like to cultivate them. Lots of the following are generally considered weeds, which means that they might grow out of bounds, but my experience is that Murphy's law kicks in, and any weed that you want to grow will suddenly become more difficult that the most tender primrose. This is probably because weeds and wild plants hate coddling. First I will start with the irritants:

Irritating plants for torture

Nettles

Stinging nettles - These lovelies are usually found in disturbed areas in mild or cool climates where there is plenty of moisture or shade. They have the most potent venom when the plants are small. The effects are an immediate and very nice burn, but which is not especially intense and wears off after a couple hours, with generally no lasting effects. The term venom is pretty accurate as the plants have small hypodermic-like needles along the stems and under the ribs of the leaves, especially around the growing shoots where the leaves are tender and close together. Fresh plants, applied to any tender areas of the body should result in some nice reactions in the sub. The venom of nettles can be neutralized by a small plant that grows near it in very wet soil called false or wild impatiens. This plant has thin small leaves and succulent stems and yellowish flowers with brown spots, that are bilaterally symmetrical, like small orchids or snap dragons. If I were going to cultivate these nettles in a garden setting, I would confine their roots in a large bottomless planter, or with thick plastic or tin collar around them sunk at least 1 foot deep and angled slightly outward. Cut them down before they go to seed, unless you are an EXTREME masochist and like painful weeding.

Beaver tail prickly pear cactus - (several species of Opuntia- O. basilaris, O. microdasys, and several others) These are the sort of prickly pear cactus that have no actual spines and thus do not belong in the group on sharp meanies. All the prickly pear clan of cactus have small structures that the real spines come from that also have very small dense fuzz like micro spines. These tiny spines are the only thing the beaver tailed type cacti have, and they are super abundant, barbed and get into your skin and break off. The effect is an irritating itch that does not go away for hours, but takes until the spines soften and are shed with your skin. The sub would be in some discomfort for several days with a treatment of these tiny spines, although the majority can be removed by scraping the skin roughly with fingernails, especially during a warm bath(chuckg sees himself bathing and scraping Nubaby after a bad nude mountain-bike riding accident). The scraper risks getting the spines in themselves so its best to let the sub worry about their removal.

These tiny spines, called golchids. can be harvested carefully and used as a pretty effective itching powder, with none of the problems that fiberglass insulation might have. At worst a spine left in the skin will create a small pimple-like fester which will remove it. Inside your system, your body will naturally dissolve them. The plant should not be harmed by light harvesting, and will grow new spines from its golchids next season. These plants will grow great outdoors in the Southwest and in pots in the more humid and colder areas. They grow best with very light shade, such as under a fine leafed tree like a paloverde or mesquite, watered monthly and not at all during cool or humid weather.

Piercing, snagging, scratching and cutting plants - the fun bunch

Cactus and Succulents - Most of us are familiar with cactus and if you like pain as much as yours truly, have experimented with them somewhat. I tested nearly every species for the sharpness and skin piercing abilities of the spines and found that some have barbed traits also, making them hang on once in place in the skin. Some cactus have spines that are decidedly hooked and devilish looking. One thing to realize about cacti is that they generally do not grow back spines that have been harvested, this if you have a nice specimen, it would be best to savor each spine you remove and use in a special way. Actually, many cactus are best used just for the visual effect, because they are so nice to look at and because even vanilla people don't consider someone into cactus very weird, whereas a garden full of brambles, briers, and thorns may get you talked about amongst your neighbors. These are the species I like: Golden Barrel and other barrel cactus - very prominent and colorful spines, some types which are viciously hooked on huge, heavy plants, too large for inside, except as young plants. Teddy Bear Cholla- These grow sort of like miniature trees in the hottest deserts. They are unbelievable densely spined, and the spines are barbed. The 3-4 inch stems break off and attach themselves and would look cute attached to a nipple.

Euphorbia grandicornis - The euphorbias are not true cactus, and have a toxic milky sap, so keep the sap out of open wounds. This variety is kind of clumping and moderately tall. Its most noteworthy feature is that the spines are huge and densely placed on irregular growth, making them extremely visually impressive. They would make interesting obstacles for a blindfolded slave in a southern California or Florida backyard landscape. Agaves, yuccas and sotols, and desert bromeliads - These are also not true cactus, but have lance-like leaves that originate from a central stem that may or may not form a trunk above ground. Yuccas usually have only one spine at the ends of the leaves, Agaves have a huge spine at the end and usually several along the length of the leaves and sotols have only spines alone the edges of the leaves. Agaves grow up to a huge size with deadly spines, and the others are in a variety of sizes. These plants have the annoying habit of making holes in you when do not want them tool, so plant them away from where you are likely to walk. The yuccas are the hardiest, some varieties will grow in Manitoba, Canada and anywhere warmer. Usually, the larger, more impressive of these types of plants are more cold tender.

Aloes - I've set these separate from the other non cacti because they are good to have not so much for torture, but for a soothing after- treatment. Aloe vera is the biggest and juiciest, but all of them have the medicinal sap. Some species, Aloe nobilis, I think have superficially spiny looking leaves, but the spines are sort of soft, a good starter plant for people unsure if they can take the real spines. Most aloes are small enough so that they make pretty good windowsill plants.

Some types and special varieties of cactus have no spines at all and may even be smooth. I've seen one, with a very lumpy phallic column (a special cultivated variety), that looked like it might make an interesting dildo. I do not know how the health of these plants would be effected by treatment in this manner, assuming they remained attached and rooted.

Thorny Vines - There are innumerable species of vines that are thorny, but one variety that grows very commonly across the American South is particularly nice. It is called green brier here in Texas, and may have other names. It grows in forests and out in the open also, but its the plants that grow in forests that have the long straight stems that would be particularly useful to harvest and use. In the forest, the plant's growth leaps up into the trees, before branching out, and the stems are quite strong, wiry and wickedly spined with large widely spaced spines. The stems are about 1/4 inch in diameter, and you can usually cut 8-10 foot pieces that are very flexible and would make nice bindings and other crafts. Once they dry, I don't think they would be so flexible, but I had this idea that they could be preserved with glycerin. The method would be to dissolve about one part glycerin in about 4 parts water and put the bottoms of the freshly trimmed stems into the solution. The plants naturally draw up the glycerin with the water, and the glycerin does not evaporate, keeping the stems soft and flexible(the spines would stay hard and sharp). A sub wound up with about 100 feet of this vine would be a beautiful sight. I just love the contrast between the harsh spinyness of the briers and the soft tender smoothness(or fuzziness - Pam ;-) of the subs skin. Because the spines are large and fairly widely spaced, these vines can be handled without much discomfort, but a fairly long length is needed to give the proper amount of pain, as many of the spines will not be positioned to stick the subs skin.

Thorny Bushes and Trees - Again here the list is nearly unlimited, but also again here in the American Midwest and South, a particularly nice, horribly spined tree grows very abundantly. The tree is of coarse the honey locust. Only the wild varieties are heavily thorned, as the nursery people are not so enlightened to realize that some of us might just happen to like the thorns. The thorns this tree has that are impressive grow from the main trunk of fairly mature specimens, usually at least 6 inches in diameter. There are also thorns in the foliage of younger plants, but the trunk thorns make me drool. These spines are easily harvested, with a small hand pruner and the spines can be taken to use in any manner you see fit. The form of the spines is particularly interesting. Generally, there is one central spine that may be up to 6 inches long, with 2-6 smaller spines branching down off the central spine. Like several other spined plants, these are almost too wicked to use, but have great visual appeal. Here again, the sight of these gorgeous spines, contrasted with smooth slave skin, would bring tears to my eyes.

Palms - Many varieties of palms are spiny and some horridly so, but I want to tell you all about one species that is undoubtedly close to many of your hearts. I recall seeing real live rattan growing in the Singapore Botanical Garden. As cruel as processed rattan is, laying waste across your back and buns, in life it is like a plant out of sadists heaven or a maso's hell. Rattan, at least the really good kind, grows as a sort of vining palm. It climbs up from the rain forest floor into the sunlight by using viscous looking grappling hooks at the ends of its long leaves, to hook into the bark and branches of its host plants. They made me drool and probably would even make Clive Barker drool. The stems are also unbelievably thorny. Its too bad you can't buy fresh rattan or better yet, a live rattan plant. Probably only very southern most Florida would have a mild enough climate for it though.

See also [ Rhaphanidosis ]

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