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;The SAM List (Smart Assed Masochist)
:;Author - Alkallah © 1999

Some people really want to be Smart-Assed Masochists, but they can't quite get the hang of it. Here's a few things they can do to become a genuine certified SAM.
 
* Sing 'Happy Birthday To Me' and blow out the candle during wax play.
* Draw a picture of an open hand on your ass. Then draw a red circle around it. Finish up by putting a slash through the circle. (should turn out to be the international no-spanking zone sign)
* In the middle of an intense cropping, close your eyes and start to snore.
* During a scene, do a Howard Cosell impression and provide a play-by-play account of what is being done to you.
* If your dom/me tells you to 'Look me in the eyes', do it cross-eyed.
* If your dom/me decides to do a verbal humiliation scene with you in public, stick your fingers in your ears and say 'Neener, neener, neener, I can't hear you!'
* Decorate your dom/me's leathers with oil painted neon polka dots and stripes
* Place a whoopee cushion on your dom/me's favorite chair.
* Use the toybag for dirty laundry. Forget to switch the contents back before the next play party.
* Stick an Alka-Seltzer tablet in your mouth at the beginning of a scene. Work up some saliva to get it fizzy, then call out your safeword. 
* When getting flogged, start singing 'This is the song that never ends...'
* Become a sarcastic practical joker (worked for me).
* Learn a language your dom/me doesn't know and then speak only in that language when you are together.
* Become prone to incessant giggling.
* If you're trussed up and ordered to count, inform your top you can't do it unless you can use your fingers and toes.
* Have a wig made up matching your hair color and style perfectly.  It'll be worth the expense to see the look on your dom/me's face the next time your hair gets tugged and it comes off..
* Hold up a scorecard after each blow delivered (like in figure skating or diving)
* When your top hints at foot worship, hand him/her a package of OdorEaters.
* If you take a message for your top, write it on a post-it and stick it to your rear.
* Tell your dom/me a better way to do whatever it is being done to you at that moment.
* Learn the following phrases:
: Get off your lazy ass and do it yourself!
: What do I look like, your maid?
: This isn't a restaurant.
: In your dreams!
: Who died and left you boss?
: I don't think so!
: Homey don't play that game.
: Yeah, right!
: and use them as often as possible.
* Only speak in movie quotes.
* Give your dom/me a massage while wearing a joy buzzer.
* Send your dom/me an invoice for your services.
* After a particularly hard blow, pretend to pass out. When your dom/me checks to see if you're OK, jump up and yell 'Gotcha!'
* Go in the toybag and superglue the nipple clamps shut.
* Ignore your top until he/she utters the magic word.
* Starch the floggers.
* Whine.
* Urinate in the dungeon and in the toybag, claim you're marking your territory.
* Attach clappers to all the outlets in the dungeon just before a paddling. (Clap on, clap off...)

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